Save The Date: An Interrogation of Queer/Trans Perspectives on the Institution of Marriage (Part One)
This article was originally published on June 23, 2023 on my Medium page.
When I was conducting the research for this project, I was running into a lack of information on queer and trans perspectives on the institution of marriage. This questionnaire, created by me, is an attempt to address that gap for a more nuanced discussion of marriage. This two-part series will highlight the answers from community members (part one) and my own reflections (part two).
What immediately comes to mind when you think of marriage? Divorce?
G (black, queer, trans): That I don’t see myself doing it anytime soon and that it seems like a trap that I’d rather die than be in but that’s pretty dramatic because of my parental/family trauma. I also think of the state in relation to marriage and what benefits or downsides might come with marriage legally/financially. Also that “women” had no say in marriage in a lot of the world and were often bartered off. Plus under the specific religious upbringing I had there’s a lot of “ride or die” type mentality that’s just… terrible like bro y’all hate each other. God does not fucking care if you divorce, your kids are fucked up anyways who gives a fuck about a nuclear family.
A (white, queer, trans): Marriage — I think of a celebration of love/commitment and tax breaks. Divorce — people growing apart, lawyers and conversations about financial/physical assets, and emotional stress even when mutual.
B (asian/white, queer, trans): I think of family expectations of lifelong partnership, the innate heteroness of marriage, the really high divorce rate in the United States, the financial pieces of marriage (aka how much a wedding costs, but then the tax benefits of being married, and of course the financial security of a double income). I think immediately of my marriage, my friends’ marriage and divorce, my parents’ marriage, my wife’s parents’ marriage.
D (white, queer, trans): My own marriage and divorce, which were complicated and painful, but not a bad experience overall.
E (black, queer): Marriage brings to mind a number of things for me; so many positives and negatives alike that my overall emotional reaction to the word ends up being neutral most of the time but can swing to either end of the scale depending on the context. If I’m playing a word association game, I think the first thing that springs to mind for me is partnership. At its base level, marriage should be a partnership that is advantageous for both/all involved. By partnership I really mean domestic and spiritual as I think committing to a marriage should mean committing to care for your partner(s) regardless of whether romance is involved. The ramifications of what that means should be decided by the involved parties and really no one else. Divorce, likewise, to me should just be the amicable ending of said partnership. However, due to the way we are forced to function under capitalism, both marriage and divorce are steeped in centuries worth of expectations and stigma as well as spiritual, emotional, and financial ruin. But I think my most personal emotional reaction to divorce is the ability to rediscover yourself outside of an institution that is encouraged culturally to swallow up individual identity and, more often than not when dealing with cishet couples, the bodily and financial autonomy of women involved.
F (asian, queer): Marriage — multiple views of marriage come to mind: marriage as a state-recognized relationship, marriage as the joining of families, marriage as survival and/or upward mobility, marriage as a community ceremony and celebration recognizing love between people. Divorce — legal separation of people in the eyes of the state.
Who do you know in your life that is preparing for marriage (engaged)? Currently married? Divorced?
G (black, queer, trans): Old high school [classmates] and college folks and 90% are cishet couples.
A (white, queer, trans): I am married, my partner’s college friends are married, some of my friends from college are married, my brother is married, my parents are married, my brother’s friends whom I used to be close with are married, and some of my former friends’ parents are divorced.
B (asian/white, queer, trans): Engaged: nobody? I think? Married: me, people I’ve already mentioned + relatives, grandparents, etc. — note: thinking on it now, nobody in my family has gotten divorced ever I think. Granted my extended family is relatively small-medium sized, but still. Divorced: some of my friends and other friends’ parents.
D (white, queer, trans): I know of a few people at work who are currently engaged, and one of my close co-workers is married. Two of my friends/housemates are happy newlyweds. My parents are married, and many other people in my extended family. I have many friends who are married, including neighbors I’m close with, as well as a lot of acquaintances from high school and college. At my age, it’s more typical to be married than not. (For context, they recently turned 40.) However, many of my close friends are single (and younger than me). In terms of divorced people, there’s myself and my former spouse, as well as my brother. My boss is also divorced, although we haven’t talked much about her marriage.
E (black, queer): Preparing for Marriage: While I can’t think of anyone I know currently who is engaged (most of my friends who were on that track have married already), I really do believe that since as a society we are all encouraged to follow a specific script from a young age, that many people, in one way or another, are always preparing for marriage. And in very different ways depending on a number of factors like socialized gender, class, religious affinity, etc. Currently Married: The longest standing models I have for currently married people are, regrettably, my parents — a MESS. However, I’ve witnessed pleasant and loving long relationships with some friend’s parents and some younger examples of healthy dynamics with a few different friends of mine. Divorced: I also have a few different examples of divorced couples from my dad’s first marriage and longer-lived couples who separated later in life, to young couples who were pressured into marriage by military, family, or just societal ideas.
F (asian, queer): Engaged — An acquaintance + I know a friend is on track to being engaged in the near future. Married — many people in my hometown that went to my dingy Christian school are married. Within my intimate circle — a couple of my close friends are married. Divorced — just a couple of other close friends I have.
What do you know regarding the institution of marriage? (i.e. history, laws, benefits, etc.)
G (black, queer, trans): Black people's marriages weren’t recognized, especially interracial marriages, until much later in US history. That there are a lot of benefits when you’re marrying people who are also representing the state. Also, I watch divorce court and it’s wild how nasty people can get over property rights, custody battles, manipulation, etc.
A (white, queer, trans): I know it has historically been a gatekept space, there is privilege in being able to be married and there are also social expectations to get married in many populations/groups/cultures. Marriage for many cis-het couples I have known is largely a space to transfer power in a patriarchal way by “giving” the woman away. For some it’s about status (i.e., money and social standing) which play a bigger part in a relationship and is a strategic tool to boost each other in a social hierarchy.
B (asian/white, queer, trans): I know a lot about miscegenation laws and their relatively recent dispelling (federally in 1967). Of course, the extremely recent court cases to legalize equal marriage in the United States (2016). I am in the process of learning about the tax benefits of marriage, in particular when one of the two individuals is unemployed/not working/stay at home (as was my wife in 2022). I honestly don’t know a ton about the history of marriage as an institution, besides the presumption that it was founded in Christian church rule over European society. Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic church (like baptism) so it may have been integrated via Catholicism. There’s also lots in the bible about the marriage of bride and groom being a metaphor for God’s love for humanity. I’ll also note that there is certainly a lot of social privilege to being married. Since I got married and began introducing/talking about my partner as my wife, I think people see me as more legitimate, authoritative, older, and it reinforces my heteromasculinity/manhood to others (especially men). It generally makes people happy (?) to learn that I have a married partner/wife. I think especially in the DC spaces I’m in there’s a lot of romantic/sexual messiness among professionals our age. Having a wife excludes me from that, which is nice for me and also clarifying for others about what roles we’re going to play in our interactions. And noting here that this all was not the case when my wife was my girlfriend. Her being my wife solidified these perceptions. So marriage has definitely been a benefit to my career (?) even though that feels weird to say. I think my boss also likes that I’m married because it’s a point of similarity between us and I think there’s a perception that married/settled down employees are less likely to switch jobs. There’s also more leeway for me to take care of my wife (like taking her to doctor’s appointments when she’s sick) vs. my girlfriend, or at least that’s my perception.
D (white, queer, trans): Hard to summarize, and I’m also not sure how accurate my information is. I have heard that marriage as a concept originated after the agricultural revolution. Once people could produce surplus goods and accumulate wealth, men wanted certainty that they were passing their wealth down to their actual biological offspring, so they enforced exclusive sexual relationships with women. Don’t know if that story is true. Marriage is very common throughout many cultures historically and globally, but not universal. It almost always has religious significance, and sex outside of marriage is often stigmatized. Historically, (in Europe and its colonies) the law has considered wives to be chattel — the property of their husbands (and often the property of their fathers until they marry). Marital rape was legal, and men could physically abuse their wives within certain legal limits. It’s only within the last century that women could own property or obtain a divorce. In terms of benefits — in the US, there are considerable tax benefits to filing as a married couple (this is partly because without the special exceptions, under a progressive income tax, you would pay much higher taxes filing together than separately. This so-called “marriage penalty” is used to create an incentive for two-income couples to marry). It’s possible to share employment benefits like health insurance or a pension with a spouse, and often not possible to share them with someone you’re not legally married to. It’s easier to co-own property, easier to inherit, and hospitals are less likely to restrict your access to your loved one’s bedside.
E (black, queer): Whew, I mean it’s a mess. Earlier you said [in a prior conversation] that most people don’t know the marriage laws in their state and that’s true. I’ve witnessed and been in the middle of the violence the state perpetrates against women in particular when it comes to this institution and while I’m no historian on the matter, I have a reasonable understanding of how it all ties back to patriarchy, property, and state enforced white supremacy. Why shouldn’t any number of people be able to join households and create communities for better quality of life? Why the fuck should it matter and why is religion so consistently used to create double standards that oppressed the already disenfranchised?
F (asian, queer): It means different things depending on culture. I know in the West the institution of marriage was a way to keep women subjugated. It was the only way for women to have certain rights such as ownership of property. Marriage links people to power and dictates heads of nations (thinking about kings, queens, emperors, etc.).
What role has or does society and/or popular culture play in your understanding of marriage? How have these influences shaped your interest in marriage?
G (black, queer, trans): I feel like the fact that society is so hell bent on the idea of one perfect partner you marry forever is unreasonable. Even if I find ‘a’ person I feel like a lot of the narratives of marriage feel very unhealthy especially in the patriarchal lens — like there will be no “my man my man MY MAN I’LL DIE FOR HIM,” type shit from me nooooo way.
A (white, queer, trans): Society and media play a big role in everyone’s conception of marriage especially because it is a socially constructed institution. People getting married is big news for both friends and celebrities, it is glorified in rom coms, it places blame on some in media when the marriage does not work out (thinking specifically of when someone gets into a marriage where domestic abuse occurs it is often considered the fault of the person being abused). It is seen as achieving a life milestone that people who are not married are not “living up to”. Inevitably, I think the media influences one’s interest and perception of anything. For example, even if someone is very politically left, and has read radical liberative books, etc. if they start consistently watching and consuming right-wing content, it influences their thought processing and behavior. This is why YouTube and social media [without critical media literacy] are so dangerous in my opinion. That being said, there is always an opportunity to unpack what you know and believe and reshape it into something healthy, supportive, and focused on care and community. For me, my interest in marriage has stayed relatively steady throughout the years. I see my marriage as a celebration of love and a commitment to someone I care deeply about. It means having someone to support and be supported by no matter the situation. Now, these things can be revoked at any time if something changes but marriage to me is about the connection. I would have gotten married with no institutional benefits whatsoever. Those benefits are secondary and completely unimportant to me. Everything we enjoy, think about, and participate in is part of an institution with complicated and often dark history. For me, it’s about the ritual and the celebration with people I love or someone I know and love dearly and the fact that we want to spend our lives together.
B (asian/white, queer, trans): I think society and pop culture have played huge roles in my understanding and interest in marriage. Particularly because marriage doesn’t function any differently on an interpersonal level than a long-term committed relationship, I don’t see how marriage could be informed/motivated by anything other than society and pop culture.
D (white, queer, trans): Narratives from popular culture have created the idea of marriage as a life milestone, and an essential element to a happy life. Romantic love — an idea which has only existed for a couple of centuries — is depicted as a major force (if not THE major force) in our lives, and it is defined (distinguished from other types of love) by its relationship to committed partnership. I’m skeptical of pop-cultural narratives about romance and marriage, but I can’t claim that they haven’t influenced me at all. It is hard to imagine another way to shape my life, when the society I live in seems to so unanimously promote this one. Romantic ideas about marriage played very little role in my decision to get married — that was mainly a practical decision, also influenced by the desire to please family members. But when I consider the possibility of ever re-marrying, I find that those romantic narratives still have some weight.
E (black, queer): Ha. Somehow despite all of the disasters I’ve witnessed personally, I still haven’t completely written marriage off for myself though it’s not something that I believe I need for a fulfilling life because I believe so strongly in growing a wide and rich community and am firmly against the idea that one person should be your everything. I know that if it is something I discuss in future it will be specifically tailored to my own and partners needs and depending on the situation possibly not a legally binding union.
F (asian, queer): Certain types of marriages and narratives surrounding marriages get pushed in the media and government. They influenced me to have a limiting view of what marriage can look like (ex. cishet people who are married to each other can’t communicate well). It certainly made me more suspicious of marriage but depending on the country you live in it may be more or less beneficial for it to be state recognized.
What general differences have you noticed between cishet marriages and queer/trans marriages? Divorces?
G (black, queer, trans): Cishet folks are really strongly tied to the relationship escalator and the notion of achieving some American ideal of a white picket fence and 2.5 kids with a dog. I feel like the 2 queer married folks I know are less codependent and have healthy individual lives they lead in addition to partnership. Also, they don’t have kids (yet) and seem to be just as able to concentrate on other important life milestones.
A (white, queer, trans): A lot of weddings I have been to have been about social status. Marrying into money and gaining social standing. Those have all been very straight weddings. I think trans people tend to have a stronger critique of institutions, the government, and societal inequities and thus care a lot less about those benefits, because no matter what, many trans people are seen as an “other” within spaces where money and social status matter. This is especially true among trans people of color. A lot of trans people I know are not interested at all in marriage but those that are typically don’t want it to be an exchange of power or restrictive in any way of their partner. I have known quite a few married trans people in polyamorous relationships where this feeling of trust in their partner is expressed. But polyamorous or monogamous, my experience has been that trans people are a lot less worried or excited about tax benefits and meeting the state’s conception of “moral good.”
B (asian/white, queer, trans): Lots of differences. I feel like queer/trans marriages are less conforming to those social expectations mentioned before, I feel like the couple generally knows each other better/on a deeper level. Queer/trans couples’ have more shared values, and the relationships are less often built on gender roles/superficial things. Queer/trans couples I feel generally have better communication and emotional availability than cishet couples. Queer/trans couples are more likely to consist of individuals who go to therapy. I have limited experience with queer/trans divorces but speaking to queer/trans breakups vs cishet breakups, I feel that queer/trans breakups are more likely to be a shared decision that is relatively amicable.
D (white, queer, trans): I think that queer people in general have a bit more freedom from the strict “life roadmap” that the culture tries to enforce on us. That roadmap tends to be very heteronormative, so most of us had a much earlier experience of deciding that “the way things are always done” was probably not going to work for us. That we’d have to forge our own path. So there’s less assumption in the queer community that you’re going to get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. Less pressure. Maybe that leads to happier marriages — maybe queer people are more likely to marry because they genuinely want to, and not because they feel they have to? I don’t know. Divorces… seem the same. Painful.
E (black, queer): I think the main difference I’ve noticed in my personal circle of friends is that with couples outside of complusory heterosexuality (comphet) there often seems to be less anxiety about following the prescribed path because they’ve already stepped off of the beaten path a bit. However, talking with one of my queer friend couples from back home indicates that there’s still lots of stress around the logistics of a marriage, career, finance, and family trials. I think that probably the farther away people stray from traditional socialized household dynamics (nuclear family), the more freedom they can allow themselves in defining a “marriage”. Queering the household, not just desire. (This obviously are not my original thoughts, but I can’t remember who to quote directly lmao.) Divorces: Reiterating what I said above, I haven’t witnessed as many queer divorces as marriages as of yet, however I would say the toxic dynamics I have witnessed fell into more of a comphet/patriarchal script of violent communication and possessiveness, behaviors that are encouraged in cishet dynamics and that are still harmful if couples are trying to fit into that box. Amicable divorces are always overwritten with care, not power.
F (asian, queer): Cishet people have a problem lol. I have seen some cishet relationships work but it requires people who have done work on themselves and not everyone does that before marriage. Very entrenched in gender roles. Queer/trans marriages seem to be more successful. People tend to have done more work on their communication skills and/or on themselves in general. Divorces — not enough real data to have an opinion.
For the married folks, what led up to your decision to marry? Divorce?
A (white, queer, trans): We were together for a long time and had discussed with each other that we were comfortable making a commitment with each other and that we want to stay together indefinitely. We have largely the same values, being with them every single day actively makes every single day better. We both have practiced our relationship communication, worked together through conflicts, supported each other through hard moments, and celebrated each other in the important moments. I wanted to celebrate the fact that we have done all of these things together and celebrate that we want to continue to do this indefinitely with the people we love. Everything I do is inextricable from capitalism from working to hobbies but at the end of the day, I just wanted to celebrate a mutually held feeling between my partner and me.
B (asian/white, queer, trans): For me, the main motivations were wanting to celebrate my relationship, making my partner happy (and allowing her to experience being a bride), the social recognition that marriage confers upon my queer/trans relationship, legal/tax benefits of marriage (including somewhat easier ability to change names), and the vibes of doing it because I can (aka exercising my civil rights, equal marriage rights).
D (white, queer, trans): I noted this above, but it was largely a practical decision based around finances and health insurance. We were also prompted by the fact that my ex’s father was dying, and our engagement and wedding was a happy thing for the family to focus on, and a chance to be together before the end. Our divorce was due to a lot of complicated factors — primarily attachment and codependency issues that we couldn’t resolve even with extensive therapy. Incompatibilities in our approach to non-monogamy also played a role. My spouse made the ultimate decision — I was paralyzed by fear of regret. But they were right. We’re both much happier now.
For the unmarried folks, what thoughts do you have regarding the possibility of marriage?
G (black, queer, trans): I’d have to be with someone for a looooong time before I’d even consider considering it. I also don’t know if it’s possible for an institution like marriage to ever be radical. I think there are radical love practices though and if it ever made sense to get married, like if I wanted to be married in name in a country abroad where there’s free healthcare for example, I’d maybe consider it then. But I feel like I have 98% of the time only experienced marriages with power plays and unhealthy, toxic ass people soooo. I dunno. Also, it’s hard because I believe in relationship anarchy and don’t have the desire or will to box myself in PLUS I’m capable of having romantic and sexual feelings for multiple people at the same time so it’s kinda like why would I be interested in marrying one person? Idk, I think I have a bff that’s a platonic life partner, but it doesn’t involve always living together. I just like my space too. Like if I were married, I would want my own room just for individual space.
D (white, queer, trans): I guess this one technically also applies to me. It’s something I’m actively working through — whether I want a committed romantic/sexual partner. Even whether I want sex and romance in my life at all. I’m very happy now, when I’ve been single/celibate for 3+ years. Would that type of relationship be icing on the cake, or a distraction from the things that are responsible for my current happiness? As for marriage — I don’t have much respect for the institution. And where I am in my life now, it could complicate my legal and financial life more than it helped. There is still something that is very appealing about a committed partnership. About being able to rely on someone — to expect them to be there, long-term. I like the idea of loving someone so much that I want to marry them. It’s a sweet idea, but I don’t know if it’s something I actually want, or that’s possible for me.
E (black, queer): Hmmm, like I said before, despite the chaotic marriages that centered in my childhood, I still haven’t written off the prospect of marriage. I have many things yet to learn about the world, love, and community, and I know that if it is something that I consider in future, I don’t want a nuclear family. I’m still working out what an ideal committed relationship looks like for me, but I do want all of my relationship dynamics to be queer af.
F (asian, queer): There is a part of me that wants to be married. Romantic or platonically. I like the idea of having a person be my person and to have an ongoing intimate commitment with someone. As a disabled person I recognize that I have and will rely on people all my life to survive this capitalist hellscape. I’m not necessarily scared of divorce as not every relationship is meant to last. I can see seasons of my life where marriage makes more sense and where it does not.
If you had control over the institution of marriage, what would you improve and/or keep the same?
G (black, queer, trans): Idk I hate all things connected to the state and with such a vile history of social control sooooo like maybe?? Dismantle it along with every other -ism that really stops people from connecting fully on a level besides what we’re fed to look for in partners.
A (white, queer, trans): I’d probably just have to deconstruct the entirety of the impacts of the institution of marriage. That feels like something I cannot do at this current moment, but I will say that I think it’s weird for a government to privilege married people financially in many ways when everyone deserves financial, housing, and other forms of security.
B (asian/white, queer, trans): I would make it even less tied to the church. I would maintain how simple and relatively cheap getting legally married is. But I would change the way that society perceived non-married relationships, so that people didn’t feel the need to get married in order to earn recognition of their love for and serious commitment to their partner.
D (white, queer, trans): It simply shouldn’t have legal status. If it’s spiritually or culturally significant to a couple, then go for it, but it should just be a social/religious ritual. All of the legal benefits of marriage could be accomplished by other structures that would be more flexible and better suited to their purpose (or by like… abolishing capitalism).
E (black, queer): Ummmmmm, I think I would have to do a point by point breakdown with research on everything that’s fucked and why, but at a basic level I would just say that there shouldn’t be such a drive for coupling and that nonromantic partnerships, friendships and other village and community dynamics should be able to benefit financially and pool resources, but they’re not going to let that happen because of C who shall not be (again) named. [Capitalism]
F (asian, queer): I can really only answer this question on the reality that we live in which is one where we can’t remove state-recognized marriages. Legally, I would want to expand the definition of marriage/family/etc. That way queer families, chosen families, etc. can have access to resources and rights that cishet white married people have. I would want to do away with ableist laws that keep disabled people from marrying the people they want and not lose access to support.
In light of these answers, it’s clear to me that queer and trans people, at least in my community, are a lot more equipped to properly navigate marriages than most of our cishet counterparts. We’re more willing to critique these systems instead of just obeying them. We recognize the influence of society and popular culture in how marriage (the commitment and the institution) is romanticized. We can also see the differences between marriage built on the pursuit of social status, wealth, and upward mobility rather than shared values, compatible care ethics, and support of one another. How much more fruitful and fulfilling would our respective marriages (legal, not legal, romantic, platonic, etc.) be if we shifted our priorities from the aesthetic to the sincere? How expansively could our communities grow and be the site of great support and care if state intervention ceased to exist in our personal relationships? How better would our resources be redistributed if access wasn’t contingent upon a legal marital union? We have to interrogate what these relationships do for us currently and how to achieve community that is liberating rather than possessive and controlling. At the end of the day, like one of the respondents stated in one of her answers, “there is always an opportunity to unpack what you know and believe and reshape it into something healthy, supportive, and focused on care and community.”
